I just saw a hot homeless man
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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