in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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