Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
