Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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