The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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