My room smells like vodka and shame
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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