I will die if light touches me.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
