even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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