When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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