my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
