i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
