he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
