I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
