dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
