the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
