I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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