She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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