I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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