Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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