I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
