do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
