it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
