You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
