i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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