I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
