Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
