The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
