Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
