i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
