I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
