you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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