highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
