Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
