Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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