its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
