Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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