i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
