Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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