We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
