it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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