my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
