So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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