he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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