I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
