Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
