i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
