I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
