All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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