Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
