I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
