Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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