Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
