6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
